


This Mess That I Am.

by Dominick_Pez



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Love, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Other, Panic Attacks, Sexual Confusion, Sexual Tension, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 17:18:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14169744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dominick_Pez/pseuds/Dominick_Pez
Summary: "...I like your hair..." Evan whispered under his breath.Connor suddenly looked up, eyes widened and eyebrows furrowed.Shit! He really just said that out loud didn't he?"Are you trying to make fun of me?" Connor asked sternly, startling Evan with the sudden harshness in his voice."W-what?...n-no I'm not trying to...I-I do really like your hair! I don't think you look like a school shooter or uh...o-or whatever Jared said earlier...I uh...I-I actually think it looks really cool and uh looks really...soft?" Evan rambled frantically, speaking almost too quickly for anyone to understand.'Good going Hansen, you've officially made things worst!'Evan thought to himself.





	This Mess That I Am.

"So uh...what happened to your arm?"

Evan's head quickly whipped to the right to find none other then Connor Murphy. The guy who only a few hours ago, pushed Evan Hansen to the ground in the hall.

However Connor seemed to be looking at Evan with much calmer eyes now.

Evan was definitely caught off guard! A moment passed before he realized he hadn't responded yet.

"Oh! I um...I-I...I fell out of a tree actually..." Evan answered meekly.

"...You fell out of a tree?" Connor asked.

It turns out there's no casual way to tell someone you broke your arm by falling out of a tree without it sounding completely and utterly ridiculous.

"...um...y-yea..." Evan answered quietly as his eyes trailed off to the ground. He found it a bit difficult to actually look Connor in the eyes.

"...Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard oh my god!" Conner remarked in an almost shocked tone.

"...y-yea..."

Evan couldn't help but nervously giggle in agreement, that defiantly was pretty sad to say out loud.

A moment of uncomfortable silence fell over the two boys. Evan was never good at this, talking to other people that is. He didn't really know what else to say. That is until Connor decided to speak up again.

"So I uh...I noticed no one's signed your cast." Connor says as he gestures to Evan's pitiful white cast.

"Huh?...Oh! Y-yea I know..." Evan says nervously, keeping his eyes down as he softly places his hand on top of the blank white plaster.

"...Well I'll sign it."

Evan looked up. Did he hear that right? Did Connor Murphy really just say he wanted to sign Evan Hansen's cast? Evan was stunned! This was such a change in tone from his first encounter with Connor. It felt as if the once hostile and aggressive Connor Murphy was suddenly having a change of heart right before his very eyes.

"Oh y-you...you don't have to..." Evan stuttered in a bit of disbelief.

"Do you have a sharpie?" Connor asked.

And just like that, Evan Hansen was frantically pulling a sharpie out of his pocket and handing it over to Conner Murphy, who wasted no time in popping off the cap and reaching over to grab Evan's cast. Pulling it upwards a bit too roughly however, causing a bit of pain.

"Ow!..." Evan winced.

"Oh sorry!" Connor whispered.

Wow. This felt almost surreal! Connor was a lot closer now and for some reason Evan found himself not staring down at his cast, but instead staring at Connor himself, studying the details of Connor's face as he began to sign his cast. His sharp jaw line, his sunken cheeks, his dark brown eyes. Evan noted that Connor's features were much more striking then his own.

However Evan found his eyes mostly drawn to Connor's dark brown hair. It looked tangled and messy, but at the same time it also looked rather fluffy and soft. Evan had the strangest urge to touch that wild mane of hair, as if to confirm if it was indeed just as soft as it looked.

"...I like your hair..." Evan whispered under his breath.

Connor suddenly looked up, eyes widened and eyebrows furrowed.

Shit! He really just said that out loud didn't he?

"Are you trying to make fun of me?" Connor asked sternly, startling Evan with the sudden harshness in his voice.

"W-what?...n-no I'm not trying to...I-I do really like your hair! I don't think you look like a school shooter or uh...o-or whatever Jared said earlier...I uh...I-I actually think it looks really cool and uh looks really...soft?" Evan rambled frantically, speaking almost too quickly for anyone to understand.

_'Good going Hansen, you've officially made things worst!'_ Evan thought to himself.

He tried to brace himself for what was next to come. He expected Connor to get angry, maybe yell at him or push him to the ground once again. But to Evan's surprise, none of that happened.

Instead he witnessed Connor begin to chuckle.

"Dude it's ok! Don't freak out, I just wasn't sure that's all." Connor said with a reassuring smile.

And that would mark the first time Evan Hansen ever saw Connor Murphy smile.

Evan then released a breath he didn't realize he was holding in.

"Oh! Good ok...t-thank you for uh...thank you for understanding..."

"Yeah no problem, thank you for the compliment. I uh...I like your freckles." Connor pointed out casually before looking back down, continuing to finish writing the last few letters of his name on the cast.

Evan's eyes widened a bit at Connor words, he can't recall anyone ever complimenting him for his freckles. He never really seemed to like them himself, he always thought they looked too distracting or wired on his face. Not to mention all the kids in elementary school who would tease him for it, spreading rumors to avoid the kid with "dirt" on his face. Did Connor really mean what he said?

_'You're thinking too deep about this! He probably just said that to be polite. To return the compliment...yea that's probably what it is...'_ Evan thought.

Before he could reach a conclusion in his head, Connor had finished writing his name and stepped back. Evan looked down at his cast to see Connor's name written in large thick lines, leaving little to no room on the cast for any other potential signatures.

"Oh! Great...t-thanks..." Evan mumbled

"Yea well...now we can both pretend that we have friends." Connor said as he handed the now caped sharpie back to Evan.

Evan suddenly looked up at Connor, a moment passing before he hesitantly took the sharpie back and placed it in his pocket.

_'Pretend we have friends?'_ A part of Evan really wanted to ask Connor if they could be friends! Connor was acting much more open and kind in this moment and to Evan's surprise, it actually felt really nice to be around! Yes they had a rocky first meet but they were definitely on better terms now!

_'Maybe if I just ask him!'_ Evan thought. _'Yea! Maybe if I just ask him to be my friend he would say yes! Maybe...maybe...or maybe nothing would change at all. Maybe he's just being nice to me right now out of sympathy...maybe he has no real interest in talking to me after this is all over...yea that sounds more likely...'_

And with that, Evan shot the thought down and decided not to push things any further. He would accept the moment for what it is, just a moment.

But Evan was used to this by now. He had collected a lot of these throughout his life, little moments. Little pockets of time where someone would show interest, show kindness, only for Evan to never hear from them ever again. Just like the moment he shared with Zoe this morning in the hall, and just like the moment he's sharing with Connor right now. That's all it was, just a moment. And Evan has learned how to be ok with that.

Even if this was the last time he would ever talk to Connor Murphy ever again, this was fine. He could be happy with just this.

"...w-well I uh...I-I should go now..." Evan stuttered out quietly before quickly making his way past Connor, trying his best to avoid his gaze.

"Wait! is this yours?" Connor asked quickly, stopping Evan dead in his tracks.

Evan looked back to see Connor holding out a pice of paper and...Oh God! That's Evan's letter isn't it?

"I found it on the printer, it's uh...Dear Evan Hanson. That's you right?"

_'No! No! No! Please don't read that!'_ Evan thought.

"Oh! Y-yea! That's just some stupid...i-it's just this paper that I had to write...i-it's for an assignment! S-so..." Evan trailed off, frantically reaching for the letter.

"Because there's Zoe?..." Connor repeated off the page.

_'....Crap!...he's reading it...'_

"...is...is this about my sister?" Connor asked, sounding genuinely confused over what he just read.

"N-no! N-not at all!" Evan stuttered out as he frantically reached for the paper, only for Connor to quickly swipe it away from his reach.

"You wrote this because you knew that I would find it." Connor stated frankly. A now serious deadpan look on his face.

"...w-what?" Evan asked, not quite following Connor's logic.

"...yea you uh...you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and you printed it out so that I would find it."

Evan was taken aback by the sudden accusation. He didn't quite know how to respond.

"...w..w-why would I..."

"SO I COULD READ SOME CREEPY SHIT YOU WROTE ABOUT MY SISTER AND THEN FREAK OUT RIGHT?! AND THEN YOU CAN TELL EVERYBODY THAT I'M CRAZY RIGHT?!"

Connor was raising his voice now, raising it so loudly that Evan actually felt the need to cover his ears. But his arms wouldn't move, nor would the rest of his body. He was frozen in place.

Evan felt fear and panic begin to seep into his bones, he was shaking, he didn't know what to do. When faced with conflict like this, Evan's gut reaction was always to just break down. Evan was simply not strong enough to handle being yelled at like this. Especially from someone who was just kind to him only moments ago.

"N-no!...I-I wasn't...I wasn't t-trying to..." Evan stuttered helplessly, trying his best to hide the tremble in his voice and failing miserably.

"...Fuck you!" Connor hissed harshly before charging his way past Evan and towards the door.

Evan quickly turned around on his heels, watching as Connor hurried off with his letter. And without thinking, Evan found himself rushing towards Connor before he could reach the door.

"N-No wait p-please! I...I-I need that back!" Evan called out frantically, grabbing at the sleeve of Connor's jacket to keep him from leaving.

Connor's body quickly whipped around. Glaring down at Evan's hand and then up to his eyes. Those once warm brown eyes now staring at him with cold sharp anger.

"Get the FUCK off me!" Connor shouted as he forcefully shoved Evan back with his forearm.

Evan lost grip of Connor's sleeve as he stumbled backwards, losing his balance and falling ass first onto the cold tile floor.

And just like that, Connor stormed out of the room.

 

 

 

 

Evan sat there for a moment in silence on the ground, trying to process what had just happened. He could feel tears begin to swell up in his eyes.

_'...shit...shit shit SHIT!'_ Evan thought. _'this is NOT good! He has my letter! What is he gonna do with it? Is he going to show it to other people? Is he going to post it online? Maybe he'll read it out loud to the entire fucking school just to get back at me!'_

Thoughts raced through Evan's mind as he hugged his knees to his chest, he could feel tears begin to escape through squeezed shut eyelids. His breathing was becoming erratic and shallow.

Evan knew right away what was happening.

He was having a panic attack.

_'No no no no! It's ok! Just breath! Just breath'_ Evan thought as he tried his best to remember what his therapist told him to do when a moment like this occurs. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Slow and steady, soft and calm.

But the more Evan thought about all the different methods in which Connor could use his letter to potentially ruin his life, the more Evan fell deeper into paralyzing panic.

_'Damn it! Get it together Hansen! Why are you so fucking weak?! Free period is almost over and you're on the ground crying like a toddler! It's ok! You just need to talk to him tomorrow!...yea that's all you need to do...just talk to him and explain what the letter is really for...and then maybe... maybe he'll understand... yea you just need to talk to him tomorrow that's all!'_

However, unknown to Evan, Connor wouldn't end up attending school tomorrow. Or the next day after that. In fact after that faithful interaction between those two boys in the computer lab, it would be an entire month until Conner attended school again. Which means Evan Hansen would be waiting an entire month before he could see Connor Murphy again.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so this is actually my first time ever writing fanfic and posting it online! So that being said, constructive criticism is very much welcome! I would really love to grow and improve my writing style as I continue with this story, so please let me know if there's anything you think I can improve on moving forward! Hell, you can even tell me my fanfic sucks! As long as it's coming from a good place of wanting to help me, I don't mind at all lol.
> 
> Ok I think that's all I need to say! I love you byeeeee!!


End file.
